i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
