Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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