I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
