I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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