I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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