Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
