Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
