I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
