I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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