yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
