is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
