so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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