i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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