He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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