I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
