i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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