how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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