glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
