I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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