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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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