I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
