She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
