I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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