i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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