Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
