I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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