I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
