Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
