bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
