There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just pee around me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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