Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
