Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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