Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
two words...techno handjob
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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