fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize