Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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