i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
