she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
