i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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