We named our party play list daddy issues
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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