Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize