my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
