Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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