OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
