just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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