Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
