Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
accomplished twins. life is a go
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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