I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
