so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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