I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
