so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
whose parrot is this?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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