I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize