I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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