I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
