Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
