Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
