Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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